The Talk
by Hollyn Okumura
Summary: When Al and Matt bring home a certain permission slip, Oliver raises a certain topic pertaining to it. It's a talk none of them really want to have. And it may take some intervening on Francois's part to put it bluntly due to Oliver's inability to discuss said topic. [exactly what you think it is. rated for implied mature ideas. 2P!FACE. 2Ptalia. one-shot]


Oliver was busying himself in the kitchen baking some of his delightful creations when the wild teenagers occupying his home alongside him nearly busted the door in. Matt, the usually more reserved of the two shoved Al into a wall in order to pin him down. He was about to hiss something threatening at his angrier brother but was stopped when Oliver put a hand on each of their heads.

"No, no, nonono! Stop all this!" He grunted, trying to keep Al from lashing back out at Matt, putting the whole of himself between the two.

It was hard to keep them apart though as they weren't nearly as little. In fact, recently the two of them (Matt more so than Al), had shot up. They were easily measured up to Oliver now too, which he'd desperately hoped wouldn't happen. It seemed like the taller they grew, the less they could hear little ol' Ollie from way down there on the ground. Thankfully half the pressure was relieved as Matt let up. A few snide comments passed from Al. Like, "So you give up?" or "Admit that I'm stronger, now, huh?!"

Al was still swiping both arms around Oliver's middle to get to Matt. Oliver gave an angry huff and puffed out his make-up covered cheeks. Had to hide those freckles some how.

"Youuu! Stop this right now! Or I will… I will take your video games away for the weekend!" He threatened.

"Yeah right. You could take them away. But then I'd so guilt you into giving them back."

"You," Oliver hesitated, staring at him for a moment. "It's not nice to take advantage of someone's natural kindness like that, love."

"Yeah. Well. I'm not nice like you are," Al muttered. Oliver just rolled his eyes. He stood back up and let his arms rest by his sides. "Even if I can't guilt you into it. I'd just sneak them back anyway. You're terrible at hiding them."

"I'm going to chose to believe none of that just happened at the moment. Now-" He was cut off.

"Wait-wait! Hold on," Al said. He slung his back back over one shoulder so it rested over his stomach. He unzipped the torn blood red and black backpack and reached inside,fishing out a crinkled piece of paper. "I need you to sign this. Don't read it. Just sign… right… here." He pointed.

Oliver took the sheet. "Well wot is it? I'm not going to sign anything without-"

"Look. You don't need to know. Just sign mine and you can read Matt's copy later."

Oliver held it up, pressing it so it was flattened on a wall. He withdrew his glasses so he could read it more easily. "Oh."

"No! I told you not to read it!"

"Go into the parlor, please. Matt, you too!" He called out, leaning back from the wall.

"Aw, do we-"

"Yes, love. Now," Oliver said sternly as Matt made his way across the hall to the living room.

He waited until they were both seated on the light pink, leather couch before the pink clad man followed them in.

"I realize it may be a tad late. As you're already starting it in school. But, hmmm. I have come to the conclusion that I should, well, give you two the talk," he said with a small shrug. "Now, I've not had to do this before. "

While Matt was leaned back, coming off relaxed, at least on the outside, Al was leaned forward. He was frozen in horror, shades hanging off, jaw dropped. "No. Oliver, we are NOT-"

"Yes we are! I need to take responsibility for informing you! I'm your guardian so I'm going to tell you," he said, gesturing for him to stay seated.

"Anyway. I'm sure you've observed that… boys and girls have different bodies. And well… that some changes have probably occurred. And you may feel really. Well… driven to want to do, you know." There was a pause. "Things," he huffed, fiddling with his thumbs awkwardly. There was a short silence.

"Like. You might want to do things. With other people. That are not very," he said. "Well. You need to be careful. And be safe. When you, erm. You see, there are diseases that you can get down there-"

"NO! Please! Stop! I can't sit here and do this! It's too awkward. Just sign the damn form!"Al wailed dramatically.

"Language, young man!" Oliver hissed, swatting his head with said form.

Francois happened to be slinking down the stairs. when he caught wind of the conversation. He rolled his eyes at Oliver's pitiful attempt at educating Matt and Al about their sexual urges and body changes.

"What Pinky here is trying to say- is that you might see a person and all you'll wanna do is frick frack everywhere, anytime, any place with said person, but you have to use protection so you won't get STDs or STIs or whatever they're calling them these days. So even though it might seem stupid, use condoms and don't forcibly stick your man bananas anywhere your partner doesn't want. Also, don't try any stupid tricks that could potentially harm one of you."

Oliver's mouth was agape and he was speechless. Al shuddered and Matt just sort of hid his face.

"Shut it, Ollie. You'll catch flies," he said with a huff, tapping the freckled man's chin up.

"I can't. Wot. Why would you-"

"Hey, I substituted safe terms because I know how you get all flustered," he said. "So don't be on my case. I could have just as easily have said peni-"

"No! Nono! Stop! Please!" Oliver covered his ears. "La la la! I can't hear you! I'm not listening!"

Francois sighed and began walking away, resulting in Oliver quieting and removing his hands from being clamped around his ears. Al looked thoroughly disturbed. "Ok. You know what. None of this is news. I think I speak for both of us when we say that we already know way more than what you guys think. You could've saved yourself the time by not being so traditional," Al huffed. "I just needed this form filled out so I can attend the class like everyone else."

Oliver frowned. "Wait. Wot? How do you-"

"No, it's nothing just sign."

"Alright. I'll go ahead and sign it then. I mean. It has been so much trouble."

"Yeah and I mean. It's not like it's such a big secret thing. We know how it goes down with you and Francy. We hear you. Almost every weekend."

Oliver froze mid signature.


End file.
